Scintillectually Yours

Okay folks, I am WAY behind on my reviews. I’ve got toys, books, and videos piled up and just waiting for me to get on the stick and write them all up. Sadly, I’m also behind on my deadlines for my *REAL* job, as well, but I’ll do my best to get these babies cranked out.

Speaking of behind (ahem), who doesn’t already know that I just adore buttsecks? True, very true. I do have a slight passion for anal (caveat: DPR and I recently attempted this with her rather girthy cock, normally not an issue, but it seems I was recovering from the start of an anal fissure  just inside my rectum. I don’t recommend this as a way to avoid surgery, but let’s just say that a week later I still fear the toilet). Even so, I’ve never given my little pleasure hole the respect she deserves when masturbating; so when Christina at TabuToys offered me the Handmaiden Anal Dildo for solo review, I was a little bemused. But hey, being trysexual, I greedily accepted the challenge.

The toy itself is a treat to behold. It’s ergonomically designed for solo-friendly use. You hold the base in your hand and tuck your fingers into the handle to guide this baby in at just the right angle. (Note: make sure you have LOTS of lube on hand.) The material, platinum-cured silicone, feels fantastic. It’s made for power play so you can be as rough as you want and this sweet Handmaiden will play right along with you. At 5″ x 1.25″ she isn’t for beginners but, hey, it’s not the size of a forearm either!

I have to admit that I had a little trouble getting her in at first but then again, I’m working around that C-section/hysterectomy pouch (you know,, the one I plan to install a zipper in?). Sometimes I think they need to take us slightly more zaftig girls into consideration. Anyhoo, once in, I had a lovely time of it, with DPR on the phone with me the whole time (LOVE these long-distance sex sessions). I told her everything I was feeling and how I felt about it, right down to the fact that I, personally, am not that fond of the ridges in the tip. Others might really enjoy the extra sensation, but they began to annoy me. Maybe the lube was wearing thin. I wasn’t using my usual Astroglide… or would that be Ass-troglide in this case?

I’d really like to try some of the other Handmaiden toys. I understand they have a lovely G-spot stimulator that looks similar to the anal dildo. I don’t know how often I’ll be using this one on my own but next time DPR and I are together, I’ll have to remember to pull the Handmaiden out of her lovely silver satin pouch and put her to better use.

Because I needed a little extra (clitoral) stimulation to get to the center of the tootsie pop, I’m giving the Handmaiden Anal Dildo an enthusiastic Ohhhh! Bottoms’s up!

Oh. Oh…uh huh… Ohhhh! Oh yeah, baby! YES! YES! YES!

Product Specifications:

•  100% medical-grade, platinum-cured silicone

• 5” by 1.25” textured shaft

• Phthalate and latex-free

While TabuToys does not pay me for my honest opinions, I do get to keep everything I review.

I stood leaning against the doorjamb at the entrance to the dining room. The teak table (delivered just this morning) sat gleaming among six chairs, framed against still curtainless windows, open to receive the humid mid-July North Carolina night air. I smiled in the comfort of my new home, a bare mile from your house—a cozy bungalow ready and waiting for the arrival of my son (still staying at my parent’s) and a clumsy, big-pawed puppy (still staying at the breeder’s).

The house was oddly quiet. I realized that I could no longer hear you rustling through boxes, hammering away at the walls to hang my artwork (and yours). I started to turn around when I felt your strong arms encircle my torso, your chin rest upon my shoulder, “Mmmm…looks good enough to eat off of….” A throaty chuckle (the one you love) escaped me as your double entendre was not lost on me. Then you pressed your groin against my ass and the feel of your hard cock indicated your seriousness of purpose.

I protested, “Oh no. Not now!” I tried to writhe away but you held me firm against you, “She’ll be back any minute!” I was referring to my best friend—she had traveled all the way south with me and was staying for a few weeks to help me get settled. She had kindly offered to navigate a strange city in search of good take-out after a long, hot day of unpacking. “She just left,” you whispered, “we have time.”

I began to gripe about being sweaty and sticky, but I knew I was a goner. You gently but firmly maneuvered me into the dining room and with one deft move lifted me onto the table, casting aside an armchair as you did so. I caught my breath as you leaned over and ran your tongue across my lower lip. I could taste the salt of the day’s hard work. I grabbed a handful of your damp white beater but you slipped from my grasp and quickly pulled at my shorts, slid them over my hips, and threw them into the corner of the room. My panties followed and you spread my legs wide, settling in between my thighs (my sighs as audible as yours were muffled). My back arched involuntarily as you pushed me farther up the table and tangled my hands in your hair.

You teased and tormented my clit with your tongue until you felt satisfied that I was wet enough for what you really wanted. You grabbed my hands and pulled me down the length of the polished wood, stopping only to playfully bite my nipples as I worried aloud about the time. You shushed me with your hand across my mouth and turned me around with some slight measure of force. I embraced the table, my arms outstretched, grasping the sides for purchase. I gasped in pleasure as your butch cock smoothly entered me. God, so wet. I was so wet. My orgasm was building quickly—excited by the possibility of being caught in flagrante delicto. Just as I began to peak you pulled out and gently, but swiftly, slid into my ass. My moans became gutteral as you reached around my waist to finger my clit. I bucked against you, moving harder. Aching to be as close to you as humanly possible. Your other hand gripped my hip tightly and I knew you were right there with me. The heat, the night, the unpacked boxes, the dinner on its way…it all melted into nothingness and there was nothing left but you and I—suspended and connected and when we came together we crashed down upon the firm reality of the finely grained wood beneath us as the gravel in the driveway crunched beneath the tires of my car and the headlights swept across the room.
We muttered curses, laughing, as we gathered clothes and hastily scrambled to dress. I had just enough time to grab the dust rag I had been holding and run it quickly along the table before I heard her hip bump the door as she called for help in carrying in our dinner.

I opened the door to her quizzically-raised eyebrow. She knows me better than anyone (well, almost) and there was no doubt in her mind as to what we’d been up to while she was gone. I playfully stuck out my tongue at her and grabbed the bags…the smell of good southern bbq and biscuits suddenly made me ravenously hungry. She followed me into the dining room where I set the bags down and turned to see you arriving with paper plates and bottles of water. I smirked and kissed you lightly, hoping that the musky scent of my sex upon your lips would go unnoticed. The faint smear of sweat upon the previously immaculate teak, did not, however. She began to sit and then the realization of exactly where our brief tryst had taken place dawned on her. “Oh, gross, you guys.” She pulled a face and grabbed the bags, stalking into the living room to sit on the floor among unpacked boxes as you and I laughed until we cried.

The kid’s asleep…the lights turned out…the covers pulled back. Our bare skin melds together as though we were carved out of the same earthen clay destined to be one body. Your kisses are featherlight then fierce. Our passion burns through those kisses. Your mouth on my neck. That spot between my neck and shoulder blade that drives me insane with wanting.

Your hands wander the soft expanses of my body. My hands linger on your strong arms and I want to lose myself in them forever. I run my fingers through your hair and listen to your soft moans.

Your kisses travel downward and you envelope my hard nipples in your warm, waiting lips. Your tongue traces quick paths, soft bites, nibbles. Then you suck them hard into your mouth and elicit my gasps as the passion I feel for you hits my very soul like a lightning bolt.

Your ecstasy is my ecstasy. Your passion my passion. You worship at the altar of my cunt. Spreading me wide and licking, sucking, kissing, lapping, eating me until my body bucks and quivers with the wave upon wave of contractions deep within me. My pussy loves you. You tell me of my taste, my smell, the touch, the wet, and your words drive me wild. I want to answer back but all I can manage is gutteral moans and heavy sighs of absolute fulfillment. When your tongue hits my tight little hole I see stars. Having you make love to that absolute sacred place is pure heaven. I want to be totally open to you and I want to be everything you’ve ever wanted in a lover.

I take no greater pleasure than knowing you could cum instantaneously just watching your cock slide into my ass. Slick with lube, I lower myself upon the largest part of the head and as I exhale it slips inside and I am full of your big, beautiful cock. For the first time in my life, I KNOW that I am sexy when you tell me so. I know that you get unbearably hot watching yourself slide in and out of me as I ride you. Grind my hips into you. Rock back and forth. Ever the exhibitionist – I want you to watch me and I know I have the power to make you shudder with mind-blowing orgasms with barely a touch of your balls against your clit.

My goal lies in my fist. Slipping into your oh-so-soaked pussy so very easily. My hand curls into itself and you cradle me inside you as though you could give birth to me. Gave birth to my passion. Brought me into my own as no one ever has. Let me lose any inhibitions I had ever retained and I revel in the relentless driving of my fist in your cunt. My perfect butch boi. You take it all and when you can’t take it anymore you reward me with the force of your cum squirting and gushing all over my tits…filling my pussy with your white hot liquid. And when you lick your juce off my body I am in awe of your absolute sexual prowess.

You make me want to do things I’ve yet to think of. I want to be laid over your lap and feel the sting of your palm between the caress of my cheeks. The welts that rise between the soothing kisses. I want to be tied up and completely at your control. I want you to use my body as it was made for you.

Take me. Fuck me. Suck me. Lick me. Kiss me. Hold me. Spank me. Make me. Eat me. I am yours and everything I have is yours. Do with me what you will for I want to be everything to you. Fulfill all of your fantasies with me. I give up total control to you.