Scintillectually Yours

Yes, I realize it’s TMI Tuesday but in lieu of answering questions about what kind of animal best represents me, I had to get something off my…er…chest. Let me start by saying that most of my writing has some basis in fact. I really don’t do fiction well, yet I have found myself stretching with our MicroFantasy Monday assignments. I think it is a wonderful thing for a writer to be given a chance to pull that elastic muscle beyond that which you feel it should go and have it snap back into place, ready for the next challenge.

At the risk of bursting bubbles, I have to admit to a fair amount of squeemishness regarding yesterday’s post on role reversal. I had to masticate on this topic all day. Clearly, many of us went in the same direction and while I try to put a different spin on the theme each week, I was at a loss to do anything more than imagine what it might be to strap one on for a lover. Yet, here’s the thing: in reality, I I could ever pull off the same scenario. Well, let me back up…I strapped it on once (if we’re being completely honest here) and it was an utter disaster. If there were any truth at all to my MFM, it would be that very first paragraph. I remember well how completely awkward I felt and how…silly…it seemed.

I realize that everyone around me is busy fucking the gender binary. We’re here, we’re queer…yes, I understand that completely. I almost married a transman for Heaven’s sake! But me? I am old-school femme through and through. I honestly cannot seem to locate a drop of testosterone in this fuscia blood of mine. Nor do I care to. There have been many discussions regarding femme invisibility of late and someday I will probably jump into the ring with my own tales of the need for a tattoo upon my forehead that says “yes, I AM,” but here is where I ask you all to step outside the genderqueer box and accept the fact that I am so high femme I practically float and I am truly attracted to the butchest of butch bois.

I love that sense of chivalry. I want, nee expect, someone to open doors for me and to let me order first in a restaurant (or, perhaps, order for both of us). If you take a look at old photos of lesbian couples in the 50s and 60s — those grainy, black and white images like stills from The Celluloid Closet — I am the woman in the pencil skirt hanging onto the arm of a very masculine woman in the suit and tie. Not for one moment do I want to strap on a dildo and watch my lover…well, shit…I can’t even say it now that the image is in my head.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no pillow princess. I consider myself a femme top, but that stops short of being able to fuck my lover with anything other than my own hands (and as most of the women I go out with are stone butch, that doesn’t happen often either). Perhaps in this case, top for me simply means that I am assertive and in control, I don’t give over to submission easily, but I’m no hardcore dominant either.

This may, and I hope it does, provoke a lot of healthy controversy or at least discourse on the subject of traditional butch/femme couples and the idea of who feels like their cock is a true extension of themselves and those of us who take that cock and “get it” from the other side of the bed. Call me vanilla. Call me old fashioned. Call me out of touch with today’s sexual mores…but don’t call me Shirley (sorry, I had to make her laugh).

Ahhh…those of you that were loyal followers, welcome back! I missed my erotic writing…but then again…how many times can you write about masturbation? Seriously, I was in danger of becoming chaste (gasp! I know!). I am a writer of many things, and erotica has always been at the top of the list. I recently tried a very public and excruciatingly dull diary of self-discovery (yawn) that lasted less than a week. While I AM on that journey, I’m doing it in private now. However, I have realized that part of the essence of me, is this…self-expression.

I am a passionate, vibrant, sexy, and sex-loving woman. There is no reason to deny that part of me and no reason not to share it with all of the amazing writers and readers that I made connections with back in the not-so-long days ago as FemmeBLT. While D. (formerly known as HTB) intimated (okay, insisted) that I was maintaining a sex blog simply to make him jealous or draw attention to myself, I defend my work and my dedication to writing—in all it’s forms. As a very private person, he does not wish to have his personal business put out into the ether for everyone to see. I will respect that by making sure his identity is protected and not revealing my own (guilt by association, dont’cha know?).

So here I am. Technically single. Back on the dating scene. Having amazing sex with no strings attached and here to tell about it. A tale of lesbian identity, love and lust with a transgendered man, a high femme top turned somewhat submissive, exploration and discovery and a continuing journey with D., my lover, as he moves swiftly along the path to his own true self.

Home. It’s nice to be back.