Scintillectually Yours

Okay, I told you not to hold your breath, but I’ve missed the TMI Tuesday posts and found a new one had been put up back in…wait for it…April! Only a month ago! So…here you are. Perhaps I’ll send them a list of questions and we can get this little meme going once again.

Which one:

Smelly feet or smelly breath?

Smelly feet. I can always ask someone to put on socks but kissing someone with stank breath is no fun! I try awfully hard to avoid both…but because I often wear Keds without sneakers? Yeah, kinda gross. (Hey, it is TMI Tuesday!)

Overwhelming pleasure or repetitive numbing pain?

Would anyone actually answer repetitive numbing pain? I’m so going for overwhelming pleasure. Bring it on!

Phone calls or text messages?

Phone calls. I am often on the road and can’t text. I much prefer the nuances in someone’s voice over trying to “read” their signals in a text message. That said, there is something to sending naughty text messages to DPR at work and causing inconvenient boners *reaches for cell*
Being spanked or getting spanked?

Is there a difference here? Did we mean spanking or getting spanked? I’m so confused. If it’s the latter then I am definitely the spankee, not the spanker! I keep begging to be put over DPR’s knee but because I want it so much she sees it as a reward rather than a punishment. I’m wondering just how bad do I have to be to get what I want? *grin*

Go blind or become deaf ?

Deaf! Silence is golden and I’m a voyeur…which would YOU pick?

Bonus (optional):What is one choice you’ve made that you would like to change the outcome to?

I can’t change the outcome to any of my choices. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and I do have one great regret in particular, but every path led me here and I wouldn’t change *here* for the world.

Who is one celebrity you would like to:

Cuddle? Simon Cowell. I find him physically repulsive but damn-it that man is just crying out for a good cuddle and I don’t think his butt-buddy Ryan Seacrest is giving him quite enough attention.
Elope with? Carmen Electra. Not my type AT ALL but we could go to Vegas, spend a shitload of money at The Hard Rock, dance with the PussyCat Dolls, live out a few of my stripper fantasies, she can get too drunk to have sex, and it’s an easy annulment the next day.
Love? Suri Cruise (yes, as in the child of Tom and Katie). That kid was bred simply to extend the gene pool of L.Ron Hubbard. She is a sad child…sad, sad, sad.
Excite beyond words? How about excite WITH words? Oprah Winfrey. I need her to fund my lifestyle so that I can write for a living. I mean really, she can afford the rent on my house and my bills while I work on getting her name on a sticker on the cover of my first novel, right?
Bang? Sarah Palin. With an AK-47.
See in bed with their current fling? Benji. Oh wait, that dog’s probably long dead by now. I just thought it would be cute. Puppies are cute. So are kitties. Is there a celebrity kitty? Hello Kitty…but she doesn’t count. Is she a she? (Man, I really need to watch what I do when I take my migraine meds.)

Bonus (optional):Tell us about one encounter (if any) that you’ve had with a celebrity.

Howard Stern opened the door at the bank for me in NYC once. He’s very tall. And polite. I said thank you and he said you’re welcome. We’re now *likethis*.

Ha! And you all thought I’d do something insanely naughty with this didn’t you? Here’s some serious vanilla ice cream for you: I adore DPR. Celebrities are just people with jobs that pay really, really well. I don’t lust after anyone in the media and my heart belongs to my sweet baby boi. So, I hope you at least got a grin out of it. Perhaps I’ll make it up to all of my dear readers with Wicked Wednesday!

1. Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a “best” commando story?

I tend not to go commando as I have a thing for really beautiful lingerie. I also do not love wearing damp clothes, however, would a certain *someone* ask me to leave the panties at home? Totally! As for her? Sometimes it is a necessity. And that’s our little secret.

2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?

At some point I always have to say “fuck me already!” So, yes, I guess so. However, I’m a lesbian…much of what we do would be considered foreplay to heterosexual couples. It’s all relative I suppose.

3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is you are giving? Equally ewwwww?

So getting and SO giving! I actually spent 14 years with a woman who hated performing oral sex. A dyke who doesn’t eat pussy? And I wound up with her? Seriously?

4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough or does the first one just get your motor running?

Hah! I believe I’ve spoken to this before. I classify myself as multiorgasmic but really, my orgasms are like one ginormous run-on sentence. They just keep going and going and going and going…

5. Morning sex: “Oh hell yes!”, “Well if I have, too.” or “Just get in the shower and go to work.”

That would be a resounding “Oh hell, yes!” As would mid-morning, around noon, afternoon, dinner-time, evening, late at night…

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner’s last name?

Let’s put it this way…I am astounded that I made it through the 80s without even a case of the crabs.

1. Name one thing that turns you on with unprecedented success.

DPR (heh…okay, besides her…I’ve recently discovered that if you tell me I’m a good girl in the middle of a really naughty act, it puts me right over the edge)!

Bonus (optional): Pretend you’re a doctor and a patient has come in with an “ache”. What is your course of “treatment”?

Sigh, my patients are always so difficult. Restraints are in order; perhaps a sedative or horse tranquilizer, too. Then I’ll proceed to instruct my nurse to make it all better while I  oversee the entire process. (Oh, wait…did I just answer the long version of the fantasy question? Bahahahaa!

1. Have you ever broken something in someone’s home unknown to them and never told them? If yes, explain.

Not that I can recall. I have however, been known to take things that didn’t belong to me and not ‘fess up. For instance, when I was 15 I babysat for this young single mother and she kept this gorgeous ivory pipe in a drawer. She paid me well enough that I could have gone to the nearest headshop and bought my own, but I coveted this thing…and seriously, are you actually going to confront your babysitter about your missing pot pipe? Probably should have jacked the plants that she was growing on her windowsill as well, but that would have been harder to explain to the ‘rents.

Bonus (optional): How many times have you thought about sex in the last 24 hours? What triggered it? Who did it involve? Provide as much details as you like.
How about nearly constantly? I’m fluctuating between bouts of grief at DPR’s leaving and moments of utter wetness reliving all of the amazing experiences we’ve had over the past two weeks. Last night was tough…here’s TMI…I wasn’t ready to change the sheets yet and climbed into a completely funky bed, happily reveling in the smell of US and thoughts of the last time we made love before she left. Damn, my baby boi is one unbelievably hot lover. Sigh…horny again…fabulous.

1. For self-arousal, if you could reach any part of your body with your mouth, which part would you like to reach and why?

Oh please, seriously? I would so lick my pussy. I’m not kidding! 1) I LOVE performing oral sex. I have a major oral fetish and am constantly sticking things in my mouth. If cigarettes weren’t so bad for your health I would still smoke all the time simply because I think it’s sexy as hell to inhale, exhale. mmmmm… and 2) I taste great and I’m less filling.

2. If you reached that part of your body, how often and how long would you want to stay there?

Much like my cat, I would be there as often and for as long as possible. At least whenever I was alone. When DPR is around? Hey, I can share like a good little playmate. Although I imagine she’d want to watch for a bit. *grin*

3. If the opportunity arose, what would you like to do to someone else that you have never been game to try before?

I have to say that short of my list of absolute won’t-do’s (dead people, kids, animals, blood sports, really hard-core BDSM, and scat play), there isn’t one thing I can think of that I haven’t done. At least once. Yowza.

4. You have been selected to swap one of your organs with another member of the opposite sex. What would you swap and why? Who would you choose as the organ donor?

Am I to assume we’re talking about sexual organs? Because, no, no, and again, no. I am really truly happy with my va-jay-jay, which would look damn silly with a set of balls swinging in front of her, I do NOT want a penis of my very own (not even for 10 minutes), and no one is taking these breasts from me (not that they are organs per se). As for internally? I’m good there, really. My hearts pumping, my lungs are clear, and my brain works pretty damn well, thanks.

5. Overnight you have a beauty sleep and inexplicably awaken at dawn having now turned into the most beautiful person on the planet. What would you do differently for the next 24 hours?

Wait, you mean I’m NOT already? Shit.

Bonus Question: You are noticed by a talent scout and invited to star in your own x-rated movie for worldwide distribution. You are asked to write the plot. Describe your movie plot in one sentence of no more than 20 words.

Typical unbelievably hot night with DPR and I at home and you get to pay to watch it and salivate.

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?

I lust for no one other than DPR. Seriously. I don’t say that because I don’t want to get in trouble with her, I just don’t think of anyone else that way. I’m sure she would totally get it if there were some celebrity crush I had (oh…say Matthew McConaughy or Kate Moennig?) because Lord knows I have to listen to her wax on and on and on and on and on and on and on about Pink and her core muscles and her next-to-nothing costumes. But, me jealous? Hah! Oh, sorry…got a tad off-subject there….next.

2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?

Lord, these days it’s comfort food. Anything heavy with cheese or hollandaise sauce or gravy. No wonder I’m starting to waddle. Soon I’ll be one of those women whose feet are nowhere near each other but whose knees are touching. I’ll be wearing floral housedresses with a turkey leg in one hand, a box of chocolates under my sweaty armpit, and wielding the remote control like a weapon.

3. GREED: What are you greedy for?

Her. I’ll be there in 3 days. THREE days!!! Then it won’t be food I’m a glutton for and I’ll be able to attempt to satiate my insatiable lust. *lascivious grin*

4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?

Oh…that’s an easy one…and not terribly exciting but isn’t that what sloth is all about? If it’s cold and rainy it would be a down comforter, my big chair, a good book, and a couple of movies. I might actually attempt to make some popcorn at some point but turning the microwave on might be too much work. If it’s warm, a hammock, a good book, a nap with my honey, and an iced green tea/lemonade would be idyllic.

5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.

Moi? Sweet l’il ole me??? C’mon, really? Okay, here’s the scoop. I’m not a verbal person…but my pen is far mightier than the sword. When I open a can of whoop ass on someone it is generally in writing. I’ve been known to let loose with a huge stream of verbal vomit but usually I binge and purge on paper…or keyboard, as it were. Ironically, THE single nastiest piece of writing I ever did was title Seven Deadly Sins and I absolutely let loose all of the anger, frustration, and utter disgust and contempt I had for the woman who had moved in with me the day after meeting me (obviously I have to take some blame in this situation and I do castigate myself freely for it), was actively using heroin and oxycontin and I didn’t know it (naive, I know…I only know alcoholic behaviors…somehow I thought it was natural for people to pass out during conversations in the middle of the day), stole my belongings and raped me with a shattered wine bottle. Clearly, simply writing probably wasn’t enough. But it helped a bit.

6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?

Anyone who’s thin. I’m having really harsh body image issues right now. I’m in a vicious cycle of hating myself but not having the dedication or motivation to get off my fat arse and do anything about it. I’m 70 lbs heavier than I was when DPR and I were together in college. It’s fairly humiliating. And yet, she loves me anyway. Go figure.

7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?

I‘ve swallowed my pride more times than I can count. Several years ago I tanked my job after my wife left me alone with a 5-year-old and a $1300 a month rent and found myself sitting in a plastic chair waiting to fill out the paperwork for $415 a month in welfare benefits. That’s how former HTB and I came to live together. One of the darker moments of my life.

And yet? I’m proud of myself for doing whatever I have to do to give my kid the necessities in life. Not just a roof over his head and food on his plate, but a chance at a really good life. No matter the guilt I feel for all of the change I’ve put him through, I am still proud of the fact that he’s turning out to be a pretty great kid with a positive spirit, leadership qualities, and a good moral compass. Yeah, I’m proud of myself for that one.

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1. What famous people share your birthday? Any the same year as well as day?

Ozzy Osbourne shares the same birthday as I do. I love that. Sometimes I need a navigator to find the bathroom, too. Others: Maria Callas, Darryl Hannah, Teri Schiavo (obviously not anymore), and Brendan Fraser, among countless others.
2. Have you ever shared an address (before, during or after) with anyone famous?

Not that I know of. I’ve lived in some fairly plebeian places.

3. Who else has your name? (Google yourself and see who else shows up)

As in my full name? Like, duh…anyone else who has my name. My first name? Think Wonder Woman. Not the actress. ‘Nuff said.

4. Test the Six Degrees theory. Do you know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who knows President Obama? How about, say Dolly Parton?

Sure…my mother used to have her own column in the newspaper. She once interviewed Jesse Jackson and caught the worst stomach virus from him (“I’m really sorry to be late,” as he’s shaking her hand, “I’m awful sick.”)…so Jesse Jackson to Obama. What is that, three degrees? We’re likethis. Dolly Parton? Not a clue. Don’t make me have to use my brain this early in the morning. Please.

5. Try the sexual version. Have you had sex with someone who might have . . . anyone famous? (e.g. I slept with a woman who had slept with a Hollywood stuntman, who might have….).

Heh, that would be completely telling tales out of school…suffice it to say that DPR has connections. …and, we’ll leave it at that.

1. When you masturbate, how long, typically, is your session and what do you think about (other than having an orgasm)?

I would say that, if I can maintain a single-minded focus and my mind doesn’t start wandering (read all about this HERE), then I probably come in about 15 minutes or so, maybe less. DPR and I had a discussion about this very topic the other night. Unlike her, I do fantasize. I don’t think about her specifically (sorry, babe), but have a number of tried and true, down and dirty scenes that have always done it for me (and no, I’m not going to share them with you). I will admit to this, when I do come, I tend to scream out her name really loudly. *grin*

2. Have you ever been “caught” masturbating?

Not that I know of. I did spend a lot of time during my teen years in the bathroom (my parents actually thought I took 45-minute showers when I was just using the sound of the water to cover up my heavy breathing as I lay on the floor). I also masturbated at night in college when I thought (hoped) my roommate was asleep. I’m not very good at keeping quiet though so perhaps they were just being respectful…or didn’t know how to tell me to shut the fuck up and go to sleep already.

3. Have you ever masturbated in front of your computer? If ‘yes’ was it for your own purposes or for someone’s viewing pleasure?

I have. Both for my own purpose (http://www.pornhub.com and http://www.sextube.com are great free sites when you need visual stimulation quickly) and on webcam (but not for the general public). Now that my computer sits in front of an almost floor-to-ceiling window, I tend to keep my business out of sight of the neighbors.

4. Have you ever attended a group masturbation party? Same-sex or mixed?

No. It’s a tad too “Betty Dodson” for me.

5. When masturbating, as you reach orgasm, do you continue to stimulate yourself without interruption, or do you stop and apply pressure until your spasms subside? Or?

Huh. I never really analyzed it. I guess I keep going until I’m totally done. I did notice (while “helping out”) the other night, that when I did get there I really slowed down and just let this unbelievable orgasm take over completely. Of course, I was just helping…DPR was doing most of the work there. *sigh*

6. Have you ever video’ed yourself while masturbating (solo)? Where are they now?

Yes. They reside on my computer and I imagine the person I sent them to still has them somewhere as well. I was asked not to give them to anyone else out of respect for the time and context in which they were made. I will honor that. Not to say I won’t make new ones, should a certain someone want them. *wink*

Bonus (as in optional): How often do you use the word “fuck” (or its derivatives) in casual conversation – frequently, occasionally, rarely, never.

Oh, fuck, seriously? If you know me personally, you know that this particular word is sprinkled liberally throughout my general conversation. I can, however, maintain a clean conversation when need be.

Would you rather….. Our dear Blue-Eyed Vixen has provided another great week of this or thats!

1. Have eyes that always smile or a voice that makes people calm?
Eyes that always smile. Definitely! I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about my voice (okay, not true, since I do take voice lessons), but since happiness has been such a rare commodity in my life until recently, I am totally charged up about the near-constant smile in my eyes. I’m so jazzed I fairly twinkle these days!

2. Have an affair and your partner catches you or your partner have an affair and you catch him/her?
This is not an an option. My last relationship (to former HTB) was the first monogamous relationship I had ever been in. Having an affair was a deal-breaker for us. Now, with DPR, I can’t even imagine it. I would hope, (scratch that, I KNOW) that she would never need to stray from me for anything she could want and the feeling is absolutely mutual. I’m skipping this one in favor of a forever thing.

3. Have better sex or more money?

Since the sex can’t get any better, I will opt for more money. More money means we can see each other more often and have more of the best sex imaginable.  So there.

4. Be able to read everyone’s mind all the time or always know the future?
I don’t want to know the future. I want to be surprised by the pleasantly wonderful things about it and I wouldn’t want to know if something bad were to happen because it would mar my now. There’s something to be said for total honesty, so I’d rather read someone’s mind and call them on their lies or at the very least, understand what my 9-year-old is thinking when he’s sad or upset and can’t tell me.

5. Your partner have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else?
I guess have sex. But either way, it’s probably over then, anyway. I’ve been through too much hurt in my life to put up with too much more.

Bonus (as in optional): What one thing, big or small, would you change in your life if granted one wish by a lamp-bound genie?
My location. We will be moving in July and there is much to do before then…but if I could turn the clock ahead and the money would be there, the house would be rented, the school would already be found, the packing done, the paperwork finished, and the 15 hour drive over…I’d be deliriously happy. Truly.
Why?
Because if one week has felt like a month, then six months feels like a lifetime away.

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