Warning: Angst Ahead!
Tuesday, June 1st, 2010
If I have any loyal readers (well, I can think of a few at least) then you know I’ve been rather AWOL lately. And what I have posted has been mediocre at best. I am behind on everything including the literally dozens of product reviews that need to be addressed, some of which have been outstanding for months! I’m beginning to think I’m going to start getting invoices from these wonderful companies assuming I just took the products and ran with them. I promise, I will catch up.
In the meantime, there will be no Wicked Wednesday this week and likely I won’t get around to an HNT. I just haven’t got the energy or the motivation. I have been decompensating rapidly due to the stress of my upcoming move and it is all I can do to drag my sorry ass out of bed every morning with some semblance of sanity. That, my friends, is slipping. I am working all hours of the day and night, including the entire holiday weekend just past, and still I’m shy of my financial goals for the move by several thousand dollars. I have no idea where that’s going to come from. With barely five weeks left, even if I did get new work, getting paid in a timely fashion seems unlikely. I may be carrying my belongings on my back as my son and I hitchhike down south.
If you follow DPR’s blog at all, you probably think our relationship is all wine and roses and sunshine beaming out of our perfectly bleached assholes. Trust me, it’s not. It’s hard work being apart, it’s hard work orchestrating this move, and I sometimes wonder why she even puts up with me. I’m also surprised my kid hasn’t packed a small suitcase and tried to run away by now. I’ve become this total shrew. I am cranky and bitchy, I’ve lost my sense of humor, I snap at both of them, and I take everything personally. While DPR maintains this butch pollyanna sense of optimism, I sink further and further into the third circle of hell. Today we had a massive thunderstorm and I just sort of sat here and prayed that lightning would strike me down and then I’d have a good excuse to fuckitall.
I don’t quite understand what is holding me back from being all gung-ho and cheery about our impending move. There are 101 practical reasons to do this. Unfortunately, the closer the day comes the more I dig in my heels and want to live under the covers. I can’t remember a day without a migraine. I just never realized how much I’d grown to call this place home. I’ve lived in this state longer than I’ve lived anywhere in my life (and I’ve moved a LOT), but most recently, I developed a true sense of community here and some real friendships that I’m loathe to step away from. I swore that I would NEVER move back to the buckle of the bible belt. I did not want to live down south again and deal with all of the misogyny and homophobia that comes along with being there. Add to that the fact that my only sibling hasn’t spoken to me in almost 4 years and what we have left is…me moving into DPR’s life. Her life. Her homeland. Her family. Her friends. I love them all dearly and feel entirely accepted there but what I built here I’m abandoning. I finally got a sense of self and I have to hope that I can keep that self alive once I’ve made this 900 mile trek to where she is.
I hate to sound bitter. This month apart has been extremely hard. Harder than any other time we’ve spent away from each other. DPR is flying in on Thursday and the timing couldn’t be better. I really need to be sure of her. The phone just isn’t cutting it. Emails are scant and we don’t seem to know how to communicate this time around. I feel a certain disconnect that I’ve never felt before. I’m scared and I admit it. My love for her is strong indeed but my soul is weary and the tears flow too freely these days.
So, dear reader, forgive my absence for a bit. I need to take this time with her to cement our bond and find the strength to move ahead with whatever comes. If I can muster up the motivation, you’ll see a review or two, but I may not be back at the helm until next week—after my darling DPR has taken to the skyway one more time before she returns to help me pack my belongings and begin a life anew.
