Step 2: Voraciously rip open packaging to get at beautiful lilac bullet vibrator with its stunningly gorgeous textured grip. Yank three brand new AAA batteries out of drawer in kitchen while doing so.

Step 3: Locate directions and puzzle over them for approximately 20 minutes. Seriously.

Step 4: Try every possible combination of battery insertion. Open and close vibrator multiple times. Keep jamming finger in button at bottom hoping the damn thing turns on (note change in breathing is now in pure frustration).

Step 5: Throw batteries at the wall and throw Onyé Fleur into toybag and let it sit there for several days as punishment.

Step 6: Try again.

Step 7: Repeat Step 5.

Step 8: Contact Babeland. Receive additional instructions on inserting batteries.

Step 9: Try to locate the two orange dots to line up before closing vibrator. Decide there are a) no dots to be found, or b) I’m going blind.

Step 10: Repeat Step 5.

Step 11: Look up any and all reviews previously written for the Onyé Fleur. Have a jealous fit that all of THOSE women are enjoying multiple orgasms with their vibrators.

Step 12. Contact Babeland again and get information on returning the evidently defective merchandise.

Step 13. Pull Onyé Fleur out of toy bag to give it one last shot at battery insertion before returning the damn thing. Push top and bottom half together until they click audibly then turn slightly twice to the left and hit on button.

Step 14. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Step 15. Lay back and give this baby a new category of “Oh Fucking Finally!!!” while enjoying the hell out of the powerful little beauty.

Step 16. Use her often and well.

Step 17. Pray that her batteries last forever.

Product Description:

• Size: 4-1/2″ x 1-1/4”
• Material: Hard plastic
• Volume:
• Intensity:
• Batteries: Three AA

I do not get paid by Babeland for my honest opinions, but I do get to keep all of the products I am sent for review.

and this…is the Fun Factory Galan Vibrator sent to me by my good friends at TabuToys! See the similarities? The design immediately called to mind the beautiful humpback.  They are both sleek, streamlined, have a wonderful weight, incredibly similar texture, and they both love to dive into wetness! This gorgeous vibrator has such an earthy, organic quality about it. I should have written this weeks ago—the truth is, as much as I adore my Lelo Elise—the Galan has become my go-to vibrator for penetration during masturbation. (I have yet to try it out with DPR but if they could market her fingers, I’d do a review of those, too!)

The Galan vibrator is shaped perfectly, just the right amount of curve at the tip. At 8″ by 1 1/2″ with 6.5″ of insertable shaft, it is a perfect size (in my humble opinion, of course…but I am a bit of a size queen without asking for something the length and width of someone’s forearm). The quiet vibration is seamlessly adjusted with one finger at the base and is powerful enough for, well, someone like me. As my regular readers know by now, I desire serious power in my toys!

I have yet to find anything wrong with this vibrator. The size and shape is perfect, it doesn’t need to sit on a charger to be ready to go, is extremely easy to clean, and I get off quickly and intensely. Also, at less than half the cost of the Lelo Elise (although, I will say the Lelo is worth every penny), the Fun Factory Galan Vibrator is an economical alternative.

I have a feeling that I will be a Galan Rider for a good, long time.

Product Specifications:

•  100% silicone

•  2 AA batteries required (not included)

Oh.  Oh…uh huh… Ohhhh! Oh yeah, baby! YES! YES! YES!

This product was sent to me by TabuToys for my honest opinion. I do not get paid to review their products, but I do get to keep everything I review.

She showed up one day in a knockout little black box. So classy. Gingerly I took her top off and discovered a little black satin number to keep her warm when she isn’t sharing my bed. Then, I turned my attention to my lovely Elise vibrator. 7.25″ tall with a 1.5″ body and curves to die for. What a delicious purple color! I had a hard time controlling myself but I wanted to wait, we had time. Elise, it turns out, is no easy lay—she came to me with an instruction manual that rivals a new video game (giving a whole new meaning to the word “joystick”), a control pad that could launch the space shuttle, and a charger that I keep trying to plug my cell phone into! I could see the future and it has her name written all over it.

The first night we spent together was rather a “dry run.” As an artist, I am a highly visual person and I really do need some sort of foreplay even when I’m going solo. I felt this was a good way to get to know each other. There were intricacies involved with Elise that I had never encountered before. I mean, this baby had range! Once I got the hang of her multiple buttons, I found that we could start out soft and slow and build our way to soft and really going (a little kiss and tell: LELO Elise is NOT a talker. She’s very quiet in bed, but that’s okay, I do enough moaning for both of us). Then came the surprise—she has not one, but two motors—the little minx! One in the tip and one at the base means that she can create five different stimulation modes. My best comparison would be the shower massage where you can turn the shower head and get different pulsations going. I’m not going to get into great detail here, because a girl has to leave something up to the imagination, but I will tell you that I really loved the “choo-choo” method. Okay, so that’s not a LELO term or something from TabuToys. It’s a pet name for the vibration that rapidly cycles and feels and sounds for all the world like Amtrak’s Acela—smooth and fancy,but you know you are on a train headed for someplace exotic. Unfortunately, that particular night, I didn’t reach my destination. I washed her carefully, slipped her into her black satin pouch, and then tucked her into her box for the night.

Our next foray was a little afternoon delight. I prepared myself with an overpriced girl-on-girl action from On-Demand (I really do need to invest in some videos of my own—I don’t think Elise is going to spring for half my cable bill). We got going pretty hot and heavy. While Elise does everything but make my breakfast (actually I haven’t tried, she’d probably whip up some mean scrambled eggs with one of her many versatile moves) she sadly doesn’t have the really focused clitoral stimulation that I need. This isn’t her fault. I need serious “Hey baby, check out the gun show going on over here. BOOM BOOM! Firepower!” But with her curves? I sent her into the front line and let her work on my g-spot to her heart’s delight. This is where her real talent lies. That girl can fuck me into submission! With a little clitoral focus on my part and Elise working her magic on the inside, we were soon making beautiful music together and I was, no doubt, causing neighborhood dogs to join me in howling the praises of my new girlfriend. I’m still waiting for the elusive masturbation-produced ejaculation, but somehow I think that LELO Elise is just the woman for the job. A few more nights together and I could be happily ruining my 600 thread-count sheets. Until then, she gets a very hearty Oh yeah, baby! Sigh…I really do think this is a relationship that will last at least a year—because she came with a warranty. *grin*

Product Details:

• Made from FDA-approved and phthalate-free ABS/ silicone

• Rechargeable: a 2-hour charge provides up to 4 hours of bliss

• The clever locking feature allows you to hold the button for 3-4 seconds to prevent it from turning on unexpectedly!

Oh. Oh…uh huh… Ohhhh! Oh yeah, baby! YES! YES! YES!

This item was provided by TabuToys for my honest opinions. I am not paid for my reviews but I do get to keep the products.

But excessive use did do her in.

Slender with a perfect curve,

She did her job with vim and verve.

At my side for many years,

I mourn her loss with unshed tears.

For I know that soon I’ll find a new one,

That will provide so much more fun.

Herein lies my favorite toy,

She served me well and brought me joy.

With wires torn, her motor died,

But that’s okay—she passed inside.

*With many thanks to Norwayfor suggesting that I blog a little something to honor of the death of my favorite vibrator—in addition to her humorous contributions (particularly the last line). Now, any suggestions for a good replacement? G-spot stimulator with a fuckload of power, please.*